That First Week

What was it like for you? Do you remember? Have you played it over and over in your mind or have you tried to block it from your memory? No doubt you remember what yours was like. I have recounted mine.

I feel like it’s seared in my memory. So many emotions. And not emotions I’m super proud of either. But there were so many unknowns, so much fear infecting many of us like a contagious disease. (Funny. That’s the analogy that first came to mind.) And so quickly. We didn’t know what to do or think or how to prepare. Could we even prepare? And if we could, what were we preparing for? It felt like a sci-fi movie.

The week when the whole world seemed to crumble.

Those one year anniversaries – there’s just something about them, isn’t there? And so I go back. I go back to reflect. I go back to learn from the experience. I go back to see just how God has carried us through because we could never have done this ourselves.

The Detailed Memories Begin Here

March 11 – It was a Lenten Wednesday. I sat around a table with 3 friends, relishing my favorite soup of the evening’s meal. We all had heard recent reports of bare toilet paper aisles. The hoarding had already started. Yet, it was a little hard to believe, so all we did that evening was joke about it. What would we do if we truly didn’t have toilet paper? Don’t let your imagination of our conversation go too far. I’ll spare you the details. It digressed quickly, but oh, did we have some hearty laughs.

It wasn’t even 1 hour later that I stood by myself in front of a bare toilet paper aisle. Actually there were 4 packages left. Should I take all 4? No, I thought. I would become part of the problem. I took one. And then I texted a picture of the aisle to my friends and told them to hurry up and get over here to get their package. They clearly had the same idea in mind because less than 60 seconds after sending that text, I heard their voices in the next aisle. We had another few laughs but they died quickly as the reality of it began to set in.

If only we would have known then just what was ahead, our laughter would have ceased sooner.

March 12 – Our last day of school before Spring Break. Hand washing posters are up all over school. Many children and a couple teachers were falling ill that week. At the beginning of the week, we had wondered if we’d have to cancel school. We all kept saying: “We just need to make it to Thursday, then we can send everyone on their way to get healthy. We’ll return in a week with renewed immunity systems and be good to go.” We didn’t return the next week.

My cup overfloweth…or at least is full enough

March 13 – We heard more startling reports. And now these reports were closer to home, not an ocean away. More than just toilet paper aisles were bare. Water. Meat. Flour. Gone. My trip to the store just 2 days prior was not meant to be a big shopping trip. I didn’t have a menu ready or the list made. I had all 8 family members + 2 parents that would be in our home in less than 2 days, so making the menu and the list takes time. Time that I hadn’t had that week. Until this day.

I was a little worried at what I was (or wasn’t!) going to find at the store in our little town. But as I prepared for a whole high school choir to descend upon us the following day on their Spring choir tour, I knew I wouldn’t have time to drive the 45 minutes to the next town to pick up anything that was missing. So I prayed.

Lord, I will have a houseful of people. People that will be hungry. Please allow just enough. And please help us trust you in all this crazy.

I got the last bag of frozen chicken thighs, the last bag of flour, the last bag of frozen fruit and the last loaf of gluten-free bread. Plus all the other things on my list. Not one thing went unchecked from my list. Just enough.

My trunk was full, and my trust tank just got refilled.

I came home, got help unloading groceries, and started hearing from our oldest two offspring who were on choir tour. The uncertainties abounded. How would the choir be able to continue to their trip? Then came the message: The prep school cancelled classes through Easter. Wow! An extra 3 weeks of Spring Break! Well, that will be awesome for extra family time! And then we’ll all be back to normal.

Probably.

Right?

And that was arguably the last news that gave me reason to smile for quite some time after that.

We met friends for a movie at the theater that evening. It felt weird to wipe down chairs before sitting down. We’ve never been concerned before. The movie I Still Believe had very poignant messages. I scour media on our way home for any updated news that will continue to disrupt our lives. I found a timely graphic:

Christ
Overcomes
Viruses and
Infectious
Diseases

I stop searching the internet. God is sure working on my heart.

Keep singing his praises

March 14 – The choir will arrive later today. 40+ people to host and feed. Thankfully, Subway still had enough bread and meat to complete the huge order I had place the day before. But how do we serve these large subs on the platter? People are beginning to be worried about spreading germs. On everything. They’re everywhere. No different than all the many years we’ve walked on this earth. No different than what every generations endured before us. Or was it? We didn’t know. We glove up to wrap each sub individually to place in paper lunch bags stamped with “Thank you”s and “You are fearfully and wonderfully made”. It’s not every day we get to host a choir from a state away and hear their angelic praises to God. And this certainly was not any normal day. Or week.

I heard from our sweet daughter who was in the choir that many of the choir members had voices that were wearing out; some had colds, sore throats and were a bit stuffy. But these kids were far from home and these colds weren’t any different than previous colds that had us all still going to work and school and carrying on with life among others.

So they’re fine. I’m fine. We’ll all fine. Right? We didn’t know.

I diffused my oils for them while they rehearsed and mingled and got ready to perform. I brought out the mother of all cough drops. Their songs of praise were beautiful!

For worship that week, we print a “COVID-19” information sheet to insert into bulletins. How to worship. What to pray for. Pastors won’t be shaking hands. Offering plate won’t be passed. Drop your offerings in the plate as you come and go.

Not your normal Sunday drive

March 15 – I wake early to travel to Rochester where their choir tour ends so I can take a dear friend’s daughter to her connecting ride to the airport for her next day’s flight home and I bring our two oldest home to begin their extended Spring Break. I begin to wonder, am I even ok to travel? Can I stop for gas and go in to pay and be among strangers and still feel safe? The restroom all of a sudden felt way more gross than the worst outhouse. And door handles. Use your hip, girl! Keep those washed hands Off. Of. Everything.

Just as we drive into the church parking lot, we hear the governor’s voice on the radio: “All Minnesota schools will be closed until March 31.” Things are getting more strange each day.

The restroom in a church seemed significantly cleaner and safer than a gas station, even if it was my favorite – Kwik Trip. I opted for this option and once again God uses his precious Word to speak his promises to me. Painted on the bathroom wall were the words: “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Our wedding passage. My trust tank refilled again. God is doing that a lot.

The choir once again sang beautiful praises. The worship service was so edifying and I am reminded of a God who holds us in the palm of his hand and says, “Do not be afraid,” which was the title of one of my favorite anthems sung by the choir. Quietly, I feel the wetness roll down my cheeks. I try to allow the words to calm my troubled heart.

The service ends and the church president stands in front of the congregation with announcements on how the worship setting will be different now that we’re in full-fledged Covid response. Little did we know that would be the last time we worshiped with a congregation in person for over 2 months.

We drove home and spent the rest of the day hanging out with the family + my in-laws who had come for the concert the day before. The uncertainty hung like a dark cloud over us.

Family Time

March 16 – We had made plans more than a week ago to travel 2 hours, into South Dakota, to have a large gathering of family while my sister-in-law was in town from North Dakota. Should we even go? Is it safe? Would we carry an illness with us and give it to them? Were they thinking the same thing? But it’s family. Who we don’t see more than once a year. We have to go! Everything will be fine, right? We didn’t know.

We went. If we had known what would transpire, I think we would have packed suitcases for a year and stayed there.

Culvers was our first stop to meet up. Bare tables and what is this? Only employees can get your condiments, drinks and napkins? They try to keep things sanitary as they wear gloves for everything. Gloves that touch register buttons, drink covers and money all within a matter of seconds. And how is this sanitary? But is it any worse than it’s been in the past when they did all the same things with bare hands and no sanitizing in between each task? We didn’t know.

Conversation at the table centered only on the few knowns and the many unknowns of what was happening all around us. We were the only ones there for a long while until a couple came to sit, not all too close to us either. Were we foolish to travel from two different states and meet at the state in the middle? We didn’t know.

We needed somewhere else to hang out together for the afternoon before going to our SD family’s home for supper. Let’s go to the town’s famous art museum, we decided. That would be a cultural and educational experience and take up time, giving us an indoor space to be. This particular day in March was not for spending time outdoors at a park, even though some people were beginning to think that would be the only safe space to congregate. We walked up to the museum, just to be met at the door by an employee. “Sorry. We’re now closed for the unforeseen future. The president just ordered for non-essential businesses to shut down.”

Was this really necessary? We didn’t know.

We went to the hotel where our family was staying. We sat in the lobby and played cards while the TV declared “Breaking News” for the next hour. Cards were fun, but only served as a distraction. It wasn’t really working. And then, President Trump is at the mic: “I am strongly urging all Americans to avoid restaurants, bars, travel and groups of more than 10 people.” I counted. We were already at 14 and about to get together with 4 more family members. But we couldn’t just leave. That screams fear! And we live by faith, not fear! The hidden spaces of my mind were afraid. And I couldn’t silence the lies and fear that gripped me. But I didn’t want to share that. That would show a lack of trust and faith. That’s not me. Right? I didn’t know.

We met with more family in their beautiful home and for a couple hours life felt a little bit back to normal. Except for some of the conversation. I stood at the sink and scrubbed and scrubbed my hands so I could wash lettuce for a salad and cut the bread to accompany the main dish that all 18 of us would eat. We held conversation while we prepared the meal.

“Some churches on the coasts are starting to close, cancelling all services. I don’t doubt that we will have to too.”

“Oh, we’ll never close. I’ll be on the organ bench just like I always am. This is South Dakota.” said my aunt-in-law. I wanted to believe her. I wanted to have her certain confidence. But I didn’t.

None of us knew it at the time, but we had already spent the last Sunday in church with a congregation until the end of May.

Before we left, I took a group picture. I had a feeling this would be a very memorable day, and considering the recent announcement to the nation, I didn’t know when the next time would be that we would see family.

It would be 5 weeks. We lasted five weeks before we were beyond desperate for extended family hugs and company. We met with family on a beautiful day in late April to celebrate our 17-year old’s birthday. We were happy to see we weren’t the only family at this secluded park needing to meet together. People need people.

What even is normal?

March 17 – Like the several days prior to this, I wrote in my journal. I wanted to look back on this someday and remember. Or did I? I didn’t know.

• “Covid-19 continues to spread across the U.S.
• WI gov. declares a ban of gatherings of 10 or more
• in MN all restaurants, museums, theaters, bars and other place of public gatherings closed as of 5 pm
• K-12 schools closed Mar 18-27 (at least)
• locally: RACC closed; all restaurants either closed, drive-thru or delivery only
• library – check in/check out only
• churches closing & cancelling services
• our church – cancelling Wed Mar. 18; working to live-stream/televise everything beyond that, depending on length of restrictions
• Our hour+ long family meeting this a.m. felt very surreal. We laid out house plans, church plans, expectations and emotions.

Other than all this, it just felt like a normal Spring Break kind of day.”

Gratitude > Depression

March 18 – I was starting to fall into depression faster than ever before. I realized I would have to intentionally find the blessings and practice gratitude every day. In my journal, I write:

1. choir rehearsal – Sulzle family + 2
2. tasty brunch
3. misty morning
4. brisk walk outside
5. Pete’s homemade popcorn with When Calls the Heart
6. emotional Prep video for the seniors

the happenings of the day

• a relaxing morning for kids
• busy full morning for Pete & me as we plan & post, organize & adjust
• family prepared envelopes & stuffed letter, sermon & ideas for members to continue to stay in God’s Word
• we all got exercise outside/treadmill today
• watched/worshiped with our brothers & sisters, our friends at St. Paul’s Rapid City via live-stream on our TV”

That week. One year ago. The memories are popping up in news feeds and in my mind. Sometimes I don’t want to remember. But sometimes I think it’s healthy for us to remember. It helps us process the feelings, the raw emotions. Some emotions that still haven’t settled back into their safe place. Some emotions that should be laid down at the cross. And left there.

But there are times I pick them back up again.

My Prayer

Forgive me, Lord. I lay my burdens down at your feet. Help me walk away in full trust and confidence that you continue to use all of this to carry out your plan.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

So while we don’t know, God does. We are fine. We are more than fine. We are more than conquerors. God says so.

And that is a voice I want to listen to.

Present Suffering and Future Glory

¹⁸ I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope ²¹ that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

²² We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³ Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴ For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 

²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

More Than Conquerors

³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 

³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:18-39