A Letter to My Friend

A Letter to My Friend

I don’t remember the exact words that you said to me that evening, but I do remember the setting. As the newest family to the faculty, my family and I were invited to a “little” gathering of 30+ people, a way to get to know the new people God placed in our lives. You and I found ourselves in the food line together, serving ourselves up some tacos. I know, right? The things that stick in our minds when something emotional is happening. 

We were introducing ourselves and describing a bit about our families. We hadn’t even reached the sour cream yet, and you told me about your daughter. It had only been 3 years since she went to meet Jesus, and of course you would tell me about her while telling me about your husband and two boys. That’s only natural; she is part of your family.

But, oh, how my heart ached for you and we had only just met. I had a feeling from there our friendship would grow into more than a casual acquaintance. We likely talked a little bit more about how amazing it was that God answered her prayer to celebrate her birthday with Jesus, how wonderful it is that we too have heaven in our future, and that good-bye on earth is not good-bye forever. I think I also told you about the brother I have, but never met, and my dad that is also in heaven. (Those are for other blog posts.)

This was definitely not your typical first-time-meeting-surface-talk kind of conversation. By the time we hit the dessert section, we had shared some pretty deep parts of our hearts, the parts that are usually reserved for people we have known longer than 10 minutes.  

The journey you took with your sweet daughter just 3 years prior, was a journey that most of the faculty had watched and walked with you, prayed for you and lifted you up with God’s comforting promises. They likely brought your family meals and helped watch your boys. All things that certainly bonded you closer together. All things that we didn’t experience. God had my family and me at a different place, different circumstances, different people to serve, and different joys and trials during that time. In 2009 and 2010, we had no idea of the things going on in your world.

The Friendships We Never Knew We Needed

Friendships that begin in adulthood are interesting, aren’t they? We get to bypass all the awkwardness of puberty, figuring out relationships or working through petty arguments that teenagers have frequently. Yet that means we also miss out on knowing every part of each other’s childhoods and experiences, young crushes or college dates. Friendships that begin well past our childhood and college years often miss out on being part of each other’s weddings or births of babies – some of the biggest  milestones in a person’s life. When you meet a new friend later in life it’s almost as if you get gypped of some of the greatest and biggest transition periods of her life. At times it can leave a void that can only be filled by sharing distant memories.   

What No One Ever Told Me

No one ever told me that it’s so much harder to make friends as an adult. We live with a husband and children who need our greatest attention and deserve our best energy. Even while craving deep and meaningful friendship, our families are the ones with whom we want to spend most of our time. Or we live alone but are steeped in work files and demands and adult responsibilities. We no longer have childhood play times or live together in college dorms far from home where the peers you live with have become your family.

No one ever told me how much energy it would take out of an introvert like me to go up to a stranger and start a conversation, much less continue the conversation or make the concerted effort to see that person again to form a deeper connection. 

No one ever told me how challenging it would be to retain those college friendships after time and distance separated us. Those friends that at the time I thought nothing would come in the way of communicating more than the annual family Christmas photos. Those friends who will always be held close in my heart and who share some of the most memorable experiences in my life. 

What I’ve Learned

I have learned that the deep-rooted college friendships would be able to pick up right where they left off, even if it’s been 5+ years since the last time we saw each other, and the natural “high” we get from a long-desired visit makes my heart feel at home again. 

I have learned that time and distance doesn’t really separate the kind of friendships that last a lifetime; the friendship just looks different. No matter how many friendships one makes later in life, no one can replace these special people, especially when the bond of faith holds them together. 

I have learned that the new friends have experienced many joys and hardships in life, therefore have great knowledge to draw from in encouraging a friend through life’s circumstances. 

I have learned that years of maturing gives us better perspective on how to maneuver and grow relationships.

I have learned that wisdom and experience help us shoulder one another’s burdens with care, confidentiality and encouragement. 

I have learned that adult friendships are usually created because you’re neighbors, co-workers or part of the same church or school family. You get to actually do life together. And that is what helps to continue to grow this relationship. 

I have learned that even though we didn’t grow up together or experience some of the most heart-breaking and joyous times of our lives together, new-found adult friendships are something to be treasured. 

“Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, 
and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.
Do not forsake your friend or a friend of your family,
and do not go to your relative’s house when disaster strikes you—
better a neighbor nearby than a relative far away.” -Proverbs 27:9-10

Eyes of Faith

Through the years since, I’ve had the privilege to get to know your daughter who I won’t meet until heaven. I’ve gotten to know her because I see the mixed sadness and joy when you speak of her. I see the love among family and friends as they come together for an annual childhood cancer research fundraiser. I hear of the way she loved singing and dancing and most of all, Jesus. I’ve watched the videos of her dancing around your living room while Jesus songs played in the background. I try to picture her with you when you talk about what raising her as a teenager might have been like. Still, I never knew her. How I wish I had! But God knew best and we know his timing is always perfect. Even though his plans do not always match the future we had created for ourselves, we trust in his good and gracious will.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, 
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.” -Isaiah 55:8-9

Through the eyes of faith we know that our future is heaven. Heaven is where grandparents, a father, a brother, a daughter and other friends and family are singing with the saints gone before them and the angels created by our mighty Father. We hold fast that sure hope that heaven awaits us too. 

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope;
the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
his mercies never come to an end. 

The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

For the Lord will not cast off forever, but though he cause grief, 
he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast
love.”
-Lamentations 3:21-22, 25-26, 31-32

And so we wait. We wait on the Lord to reveal his plans to us. We wait expectantly for that great day when he calls us all home. And while we wait, we serve God, love our neighbor, take care of our families, share Jesus and cultivate friendships. Friendships that only God could have planned for us. 

Love you, friend! God be with you and your family in this season and every season after. Until he calls you home to be at his side and with your precious daughter.